due date

Today was the day.  Sunday, January 13, 2013.  Today was my due date before I experienced a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  I've already explained what happened and my past so I don't need to do that again.  Since I had not hit 12 weeks, only a few family members knew of the whole ordeal outside of my husband and I.  Nobody else would know that today is the day, not even my husband.  It was just the estimated due date based on my last period, they may have adjusted it after the ultrasound based on the development, but this was all I had.  If you remember I was in the ER the day we were supposed to have the first ultrasound.  After the miscarriage, I always wished deep down that no matter how long it took, that I was at least pregnant again before this day came.  It would help soften the blow so to speak.  Of course I'm not pregnant today, in fact I think I'm ovulating or just about to which might be some kind of consolation but with the hubby out of town still, this month is kind of a bust all together.  I guess I'll just have to wait until February.

missing you

Every day that goes by without you my heart breaks a little more. I want you to be here with me finally, it's so hard waiting for you. My life loses a little bit of purpose each day- I know you give my life meaning even though you're not here yet. It's so hard without you. I'm anxiously waiting for you. It seems like nothing else matters, no one else matters, I don't even matter without you. Everything I've worked so hard for up to this point has been for you and without you here it was all in vain. Please come soon. I love you

trying

So some people have trouble conceiving.  I don't appear to have that problem.  Hopefully I don't have a problem at all and my past two experiences have just been "nature's way".  We'll see about that.  But I thought I'd just talk about how I've gone about conceiving so far.  We all know how babies are made but I'm impatient if you haven't noticed and have been exploring ways to optimize my chances.  I've touched on this briefly but thought I'd go into a little more detail. 

I started out knowing that you ovulate approximately half way through your cycle, so I encouraged extra activity around when I thought that might be.  It didn't take long for me to start keeping a closer count on how many days I was in my cycle and checking back when the cycle was over to see how I had done.  I did more research and learned that its not necessarily half way through your cycle so I could time it better.  I read about other signs of ovulation to help me pin point it better. I'm the analytical type, good with numbers; so this was tough for me because unlike in math where you can pin point why you got the answer wrong and correct going forward, with this it doesn't necessarily mean your timing was wrong, there could be a million reasons out of your control why it didn't happen this month.  As more time went on my impatience grew.  That's when I started the soy isoflavins I've mentioned.  They were supposed to be a natural substitute for fertility drugs.  It did make me nervous but I thought I'd try it once.  That same cycle I was really stepping up my game and bought the 1 week ovulation tests from the drug store, brand name.  They're a noticeable added expense but well worth the investment if it worked.  I was 6 months in and quite restless now.  There's various opinions out there about if you even know when you're ovulating, when do you take action and how many times, etc.  Thinking so much about it can certainly take the romance out of it.  That could be it own blog entry though.  Anyway my take from all my research is that in order to increase your chances you should have recently produced sperm ready to go when you're about to ovulate.  Sounds really funny but let me put it into context.  All I mean is that if it doesn't happen anyway, make sure the guy has ejaculated in the past week or few days so we're not using 2 week old sperm when its showtime.  In addition, my understanding is that sperm can last approximately 48 hours in a woman. So trying every other day should theoretically suffice as far as frequency goes.  And timing well, the way ovulation tests work is they detect an increase in your LH hormone which rises right before you ovulate and drops after.  This is a good indicator but nothing is perfect.  So I just pick a day and aim for 2 days before, day of and 2 days after.  Its a science but there's kind of an art to it and that's my strategy.  I'm also flexible because of our schedules and moods.  Like I said, thinking so much about can almost make it a chore so I try to not force it too much.

As you know, that first cycle using the ovulation tests we successfully conceived.  Possibly coincidence but I don't care why I was just over joyed.  You also knows what followed so I have continued using the methods above and added more believe it or not.  Instead of just using the brand name 1 week ovulation tests I used the generic daily tests.  More affordable believe it or not.  And mist recently I've ordered them online in bulk which really saved money. I was hoping they would all go to waste because I would get pregnant right after ordering them but so far I've put them to good use.  Beyond ovulation tests I've started tracking my basal body temperature (BBT).  BBT is your resting body temperature, so when you wake up from an interrupted sleep. In the first half of your cycle your BBT is low, and your rises closer to that 98.6° mark we all think of after you get up out of bed and such.  Well the estrogen and hormones in your system raise that BBT sometimes a whole degree when you're just about to ovulate and remains high throughout the second half of your cycle . Everybody is different but when you look over time its relatively easy to notice this change.  Especially month over month you pick up on patterns and really get to know your body.  Your BBT stays elevated if you're pregnant or drops again if you start a new cycle and your hormones are changing again.  Actually this past New Year when I was hoping to be pregnant and found out at the last minute I wasn't- I had started seeing my BBT drop a day or two before my period started and I knew, although I was trying to deny it in my head. So all in all, its a great indicator.  If you're interested in trying to use BBT as an indicator, don't forget that this should be your at rest temperature, before you get out if bed after an uninterrupted sleep. And you should aim to do it at approximately the same time each morning for the best results.

I know it sounds complicated but it gives me the slightest sense of control, even if its just an illusion.  I'll admit I was keeping track of my days in Excel but once I started tracking the BBT I started using Fertility Friend, an online app.  Its designed for this and does even more.  Charts, analysis, comparisons, more than I ever use. I recommend it or any comparable app for anyone trying to keep track and get started.  Keep in my this is just my opinion from my research and everybody is different. But I'll let you know the next my method proves to be successful! ;)

lone mami

Papi is out of town.  Makes it kind of hard to get pregnant right?  Depending on how my cycle exactly times out I have an extremely slim chance this month but I'm not going to let my hopes up.  One thing I do to help me cope with my struggle is take things one month at a time.  I don't know if this is a healthy method of coping but its what I do.  So when my period comes and I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant, I often look up what my due date will be if this new month is the month.  I also check when the 1st trimester would be over and imagine how I would tell people.  This sounds so pathetic as I write it.  I'm trying to pull this off as sounding positive, not sure that it's working though.  My point is that while the hubby is not out of town for that long really, the timing is interfering with my coping mechanism and causing me added anxiety.  I wish I was able to forget about it and  'just let it happen' but that's not how I roll.  Let's see how it goes...

boy or girl?

When I was in the ER for hoursss, I was visually struggling.  Between the physical pain, and even greater emotional pain I was clearly upset.  It was always obvious to me I was experiencing a miscarriage as much as I didn't want to believe it; the bleeding was too heavy and the cramping was contraction-like, cramping that was periodic and got progressively closer together.  But toward the beginning of my time in the hospital that night, the nurse who was attending to me was talking and asking questions.  I was balling my eyes out pretty much and she asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl.  I guess its a normal question for any woman really especially one at 10 weeks along.  But is that a normal question for a woman 10 weeks along in the ER with heavy bleeding and cramping, most likely having a miscarriage????  To me it seemed like an insanely insensitive question at the moment, I was dumbfounded, almost speechless.  Maybe its just me, maybe others in the same situation wouldn't feel that way.  But personally, I couldn't believe it.  I tried not to  make my disturbed reaction obvious to her.  When she asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl, my answer was, "I just want a healthy baby."  I hope she didn't think that was rude, I know she was just trying to make me feel better.  But at the time that's truly all I cared about.

Now that I'm semi-recovered its at least a question that I no longer take offense to.  However my answer goes unchanged.  I just want a healthy baby. When I was in my early teens I got that very awkward feeling that most adolescents do at some point, including with my parents.  Between that and simply knowing other teenage girls, I always said I never wanted a daughter.  I wanted 3 boys.  I still adore the idea of a baby boy, but like the idea of a daughter too.  I want to experience both. A boy first I think and eventually a girl too.  But again, as long as I have happy, healthy babies, I will be the happiest mami ever!

loss number two

Next time I go to the Gyno and they ask how many times I've been pregnant I'll have to say "2". And when they follow up that question with how many live births,  I'll have to say "0".  Its rough... I've already explained the whole first miscarriage so I thought today I'd sum up the second half of my journey so far.

I was recommended to wait a month after my miscarriage to start trying everything which is also about how long it took for everything to go back to normal and my cycle to be really regular again so it worked out.  About 3 months after the miscarriage I noticed some spotting mid cycle.  This was highly unusual for me but I had read about women experiencing ovulation spotting so I figured that's what it was, the timing was about right for it.  And it was just that, spotting nothing heavy.  It didn't really worry me.  Well I ovulated and the spotting continued with my cycle.  As more and more time progressed my concern would grow but didn't take any action yet trying to wait it out.  After about 2 weeks I emailed the doctor and they told me to wait it out and see what happens.  Soon after, as my cycle came to an end and I didn't get my period I naturally took a pregnancy test.  About three months after the miscarriage I was thrilled to see I was pregnant but scared due to the circumstances. Calling the gyno is the first thing I would do regardless, but since my miscarriage my gyno  had said that next time I was pregnant we'd do earlier ultrasounds and tests.  And this time, accompanied with the spotting, the doctor was my next phone call.  They did an ultrasound and couldn't see anything at all.  But with it being so early that was not conclusive.  After a few days of tracking my HCG levels it was clear I wasn't truly pregnant, she referred to it as a chemical pregnancy.  At this point I was not only broken hearted (again) but confused because I was STILL spotting.  They also had to make sure it wasn't molar pregnancy which could be very dangerous.  I had to go back a couple times but ultimately just go to the lab once a week to wait until my hormone levels returned to normal.  Asked how long it would take so 1. I would stop spotting  finally and 2. We could starting trying again.  They said it could take a month or more.  That was highly upsetting for both those reasons and I was skeptical. As I mentioned in the miscarriage post, my hormones went back to normal within a week.  And at 10 weeks my levels started out higher and I had actually been carrying a baby.  Well I was wrong... I ended up spotting in total for almost 2 months.

You may be wondering with these events, maybe there is something wrong? I was! I wanted tests run to make sure before we even started trying but apparently they won't do that unless you're at risk (old).  And of course I asked after the miscarriage and they still wouldn't run any tests until multiple miscarriages.  I was frustrated, wanting answers.  So now with this second loss I would finally have an answer possibly.  My doctor mentioned how this one is different from the miscarriage and they still wouldn't typically do the tests but she knew I needed them, if not for anything else my emotional recovery.  She ordered a battery of tests including one for my husband.  All of the test results ended up coming back normal.  That was bittersweet.  I'm relieved that nothing is wrong yet I still don't know why these 2 pregnancies failed.  My gyno's answer is that its pretty common and most women go on to have successful natural pregnancies.  Also that with today's science, women are able to find out earlier that they are pregnant when in the past they might have never known because the loss looks the same as the period.

I know she's right but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that I'm most playing the waiting game again.  I will be so grateful if the next time I get pregnant that it works out and it turns out to finally be the "right time".  But it goes back to my explanation of why it feels like my life's greatest struggle.  Everything else I've ever wanted I can take actions to make sure I get to where I want until I get there.  This one is different.  I've taken all the actions I can and the rest is out of my control.  A lot of people say to stop stressing about it and it will come.  Of course that's easier said than done, especially when you've been waiting 10-15 years.... My time will come though, eventually.

power mami

You're always are hearing about modern women being power moms these days.  They're trying to do it all and be top notch at everything they're doing. Its an ideal comparable to the Barbie doll, way too perfect to be realistic. Power Mom is just the latest buzz word; Moms with successful careers are nothing new.  I've mentioned before that the only thing I've ever known I wanted for sure is to have a family. This is very true, but I've always pictured myself being a working Mom.  I've always attributed it to seeing my own mom work when iI was growing up, so the idea has always just been natural to me.  In fact, I would argue that the stay at home Mom concept would have never crossed my mind if it weren't for knowing and seeing it exist in society. When I was younger, I never had an idea of what I wanted to do, yet I always saw myself as a professional of some kind.

Now of course my career is off to a decent start with some years under my belt and an advanced degree.  Now's the time when a lot of my successful peers are really immersing themselves in work because they are single and trying to make a name for themselves.  I'm considering how becoming mami will impact my career.   Of course I would drop everything to have a baby if necessary, but it doesn't work like that. It has been occurring to me that the idea of being a stay at home mom is sounding more appealing recently for some reason.  I could just be stressed out at work, but that's not a strong basis on which to make a decision. 

There are pros and cons to each option, stay at home Mom or working Mom... we all know them.  I'm curious to see what I'll end up doing when I become mami.  I still can't picture myself as a stay at home Mom at all and never have, but what if when the time comes I can't bear to leave my little one?  Sounds quite plausible to me!  It might turn out to be a tough decision, but I'd be glad to be in that predicament cause that would mean I'm on my way to becoming mami.

another day

Now that the holidays are over and New Years has past, we're all back to the daily grind.  The year is in full swing now and its just another day. I'm back at work and feeling good today.  The kind of good, happy feeling I get when I'm in the luteal phase of my cycle and I'm getting excited about the potential that this month I may find out I'm pregnant. That sounds so silly to me when I write but Im using this as a place to be totally honest so there you go. 

I just realized I'm probably feeling so good because I made it to the gym this morning and had a healthy breakfast.  I like to say I do that every morning but I've really been slacking recently; only making it once or twice a week tops and eating pretty poorly.  Between giving up certain exercises when I am pregnant and the bouts of depression I'm in and out of, its been hard to stay motivated the past few months.  I could definitely use to lose some [a lot of] weight and always have, but ultimately I consider myself an athlete so its odd to me to not be working out regularly.  Its funny how much better you feel when you treat your body right.  And not just the sense of accomplishment you feel that you made it through the workout.  I mean I was just noticing that I felt emotionally happier and couldn't ignore the correlation.  You release endorphins when you work out so this makes sense.  Its not a bad coping mechanism at all!  Hopefully this year I'll be back in the gym more and eating healthier again.  When you're trying to get pregnant its the best time to treat your body right. Its just easier said than done sometimes when you're head is elsewhere.  I think I'm back in the game this year though!

happy new year

Every new year's eve we make wishes for the new year when the clock strikes 12.  I'm so grateful for everything I have that I usually feel greedy asking for much more, so I never know what to use for all my wishes.  This year was different.  It feels almost lame to admit this, but you can imagine what I used all my wishes on. While last year at this time I knew becoming mami would not be immediate and would probably take time, I would have thought that I would be pregnant before 2012 ended.  That made this New Year's Eve a little difficult.  Just a week or two ago I was looking at the timing of this month's cycle and I decided that I would take a pregnancy test after the ball dropped.  I thought, what better way to kick off the new year than finding out your pregnant?  Well it turned out I knew on Saturday that was not the case this month.  It kind of took the excitement out of New Year's Eve cause that was what I had been looking forward.  But at least I got to enjoy the midnight toast of champagne.  I've almost stopped drinking 100% so it had been awhile.  I haven't really been a big drinker since college so I don't miss it, but sometimes on a special occasion its fun to share a drink.  But not drinking all together was an easy sacrifice to make when we started trying, just in case.  The hardest part is really in social situations when everyone is speculating why you won't drink.  After some time though, people get used to it and stop wondering.  New Year's Eve though I could be certain there was not an issue so I raised my glass to make 2013 the year!

I think I describe my journey to becoming mami as my most difficult I think is because I feel a lack of control.  All of my professional, financial, material, educational aspirations, I've felt more control over.  If I want something, I can work toward it.  But I can only do so much in my effort besides be patient and wait.  And I feel like I've been patient and been waiting for so long that my patience has run out!

Mark my words, in 2013 I will become mami! :)