the miscarriage

So I thought I'd talk more about the miscarriage I mentioned in my introduction post. I found out I was pregnant after approximately 6 months of trying.  This is pretty standard but it feels like forever when its something you've been anticipating for so may years.    When we started trying I didn't time anything.  But my impatience had me beginning to keep track of cycle time, etc. That month i had just began to use drug store ovulation tests.  I also took some soy isoflavin that I read was supposed to help. Needless to say, I was overjoyed, but well aware of all the risks I was still up against when I just found out so early.  I contacted my doctor and was hoping for some confirmation from them, but they apparently don't do more than the same pee on a stick until your first ultrasound at 10 weeks or so.  Throughout the time I was pregnant I experienced no morning sickness which actually worried me instead of being grateful.  I wanted to FEEL pregnant.  I did experience some serious fatigue at times and did have a couple emotional outbreaks from the hormones, but that was pretty much it as far as symptoms go.

I remember I would check the tissue every time I was in the bathroom cause I was nervous that something would go wrong.  My fears came true. One afternoon at 10 weeks along, I noticed just a little bit of color.  It struck me but I had read people do experience spotting and I went on with my day.  Then later that night it got worse and with cramping.  I knew I needed to go the ER.  We got out of bed and made our way to the hospital.  The 6-10 hours that it always seems to take anytime you go to the ER made the nightmare that much worse. I left with the news that it looks like I was measuring at 8 weeks (instead of 10) and having a miscarriage of course but they would have to follow my hormone levels down. On top of that, I had to then go to a different ER again that was in my doctor's network (its complicated, don't ask).

Let me bring you up to speed.  I had just spent all night in the ER and now its noonish the next day and I'm going back.  This was supposed to be the morning of the first appointment, the ultrasound... we were supposed to hear the heartbeat on this day! Instead I was spending it in the ER.

Well you know the ending to this sad story.  They chose not to do a D&C cause they knew it wasn't a molar pregnancy. A day later I naturally passed the "tissue" as they so scientifically call it. You were supposed to bring it in so it can be tested to confirm its pregnancy tissue.  Well I held a clearly formed life that basically didn't need testing because it was so obviously the baby.  This was thoroughly traumatic. 

I was out of work for just 3 days.  I wasn't ready to go back, but had to anyway.  I'm still not sure I'm ready to go back and its been 6 months or so.  My hormones quickly returned to normal and I had a regular cycle the following month.  Of course I still haven't totally healed to this day, you probably never do.

Sorry to leave you on such a somber note.  Not all my posts will be so sad, but this is an important part of my story. 

introduction

This story does not define me or who I am, but it is rather and expression of what I have been experiencing in a journey I have been on, for what feels like, so long.  I choose not to reveal my identity (for now). So few people know that I have been struggling with it. Not because I am ashamed but because it is so difficult for me to talk about with others.  It does make for a lonely journey, but I am not emotionally strong enough to bring any close friends and family along until something changes.

So what is 'becoming mami'? Well, I am new to blogging, I've barely ever kept a journal even.  But I genuinely enjoy reading other blogs because it seems that many people become more candid than on Facebook or real life combine.  I don't typically consider myself a very private person, but this has become my life's single greatest struggle, and I hope that one day I am referring to it as my proudest accomplishment instead.  Since I have been so private about this struggle I thought I would be helpful to share it with the cyber world.  Helpful for me as a form of mental therapy, and perhaps helpful to anyone reading that might connect with my experiences.  I am typically extremely emotionally stable so this has been very different for me.

I would not call this a story about infertility; the title of my blog is more optimistic than that.  In fact, the very rational part of me knows that I'm not so bad off.  The rational part of me makes me feel guilty for being depressed because I am grateful for what I have now.  But I am human too.  I am under 30, been happily  married for some time, have an advanced degree, and successful career.  Perfect time to start a family.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I've been dreaming of starting a family since my early teens.  But isn't that what most girls in there early teens are dreaming of too?  Well into their 20s and 30s?  Probably yes.  But starting a family is the only thing I've ever been certain about wanting.  And I'm not certain about anything really,  not so specifically at least.  I've almost desperately wanted this for 15 years now, that's a long time.  I've never tried until about a year ago because  even though I wanted a baby in my teens, I would never never had acted on it, because I am rational and smart. [humble too, right? lol]

But finally, a year ago, it was finally the "right time" to have a baby.  I know there's never a perfect right or wrong time to have a baby, I felt I had finally done everything I needed to do for myself to create the life I wanted for me, a baby and my family.  Probably would have started sooner even but of course my husband had some say in it too to his surprise!  So Thanksgiving of 2011 we finally started trying... I was SO excited!  I had already been taking prenatal vitamins for a few months in anticipation.

So where are we now?  In the past year I have had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, and a chemical pregnancy.  That's at least two pregnancy that I've known of.  That's why I say I'm not too bad off.  I know there are other women that have been trying for much longer, and are older.  And as my doctor keeps telling me, there are many women that have some miscarriages and then go on to have a perfect, natural pregnancy.  So while its very scary and I battle bouts of depression, I am optimistic.  I am becoming mami... I don't know when or what my journey will be, but I will get there.   And here you can join me on my journey.